Tampoline Safety - Veronica Armstrong

Let us take a break from our journey toward ecological enlightenment to consider this public safety announcement.... (jen.)

Used to be, back in the day, our fun-time recreational large toy in the backyard was the soon-to-be rusty and excessively squeaky swing set. The set always included 2uneven swings, one plastic double swing which cracked and broke immediately under drunk Uncle Bill's weight, and one nondescript, u-shaped, completely useless bar. Did anyone ever figure out what that bar was for? I used to hang my Barbies on a rope by their necks when they were "bad." But, I digress.

Kids today are much too fast paced and sophisticated for anything so lame as a swing set. Today, the mighty trampoline stands as the standard back yard toy. Oh, the coveted spring board of death...we hear you call our name. We vow to never again grace your stage after breath-stopping falls, cracked ribs, and broken elbows. We curse you when trying to mow around you. And when we tear our clothes and skin on your sharp, protruding springs, brilliant expletives escape our mouths.

Let us define the trampoline as only Wikepedia can..."a trampoline is a gymnastic device consisting of a piece of taut, strong fabric stretched over a steel frame using many coiled springs to provide a rebounding force which propels the jumper high into the air. In a trampoline, the fabric is not elastic itself; the elasticity is provided by the springs which connect it to the frame. According to circus folklore, the trampoline was supposedly first developed by an french artiste called Du Trampolin. Aaaah, Wikepedia forgets to mention some very important facts here:

1) "A trampoline is a gymnastic...device." Yes, that is it's original intended use. Trampolines belong in the GYM, with padded walls and floors. Because even seasoned gymnasts will succumb to an unexpected non-trampoline landing. Just because you took gymnastics in preschool and have now had a few drinks in your system, doesn't mean you are qualified to do a back flip on the backyard trampoline situated next to a short, broken chain-link fence.

2) The "strong fabric" is never strong enough to hold big Aunt Gabby and three of her nieces. Oh yes, that fabric attached to the springs is gonna rip. And when it does the nieces will invariably end up under Aunt Gabby's massive buttocks, thighs, upper arm fat, and other various big rolls of her body. A four year old's skeletal structure cannot take the weight of a woman who has been to the "All-you-can-eat Catfish" shack every Friday night for the last 47 years.

3) The "many coiled springs" expand and contract as the jumpers get more and more vigorous with their jumping. And for those who sit on the trampoline, awaiting their turn of fate, the springs provide an excellent site for caught fingers and fleshy areas. Flying children routinely end up in between these springs, which mercifully sometimes half-catch their fall by clamping tight onto their hair.

4) Sitting on the trampoline whilst someone is having a go, can be a precarious situation. A hard jump can make the sitter either fly head-first off the trampoline or head-long into the jumper. Either way, the head or neck is going to need some ice after its collision with another human head or bumpy ground.

5) The trampoline being invented by a French man also sends up flags of warning. These are the same people who warmly welcomed the Nazis into gay Paris a while back, adore mimes, made the Peugeot, and eat snails and frogs. They are gluttons for punishment, we shouldn't trust their ingenuity or engineering skills.

6) And lastly, the trampoline is most popular in our Southern states, home of tornadic activity, many, many mobile homes, and the KKK. Nuff said. If you are very interested in getting a trampoline, have your IQ checked and reconsider that Walmart trampoline special for $49.99.

FAB MORVAN:
The more even-keeled half of Milli Vanilli, who did what Rob told him to do and whose cut, according the former manager Todd Headlee, was only thirty-five percent. (Headlee says the duo stood to make about $4 million for the second record.) The Paris-bred Morvan was a budding gymnast whose whole career was cut short by a trampoline accident. Coach Riggs says that Morvan can also sing a high C but "sometimes forgets his vibrato."